Writing a new year post in the beginning of the February will not be considered too late, right? ;)

Well no, this won't be that typical new year post, I hope. 

As some of you may know that I spent the whole January in the magical unbelievable India, the country that kept me awake every single night (a lie, as a matter of fact I slept soundly almost every night). I didn't have much time -- or I just decided not to spare my time to write there. But as always, I have my thoughts written inside my black journal that some of I might share here, to leave my perplexed thoughts scattered, yet captured.

Now please, if you excuse me, 

2 0 1 5.

Chaotic. Dua ribu lima belas, kalau ada penghargaan yang menobatkan pemenangnya menjadi tahun paling chaos, aku persilakan dua ribu lima belas maju ke depan panggung dan menggandeng pulang pialanya. 

Dramatic. Dua ribu lima belas, seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya, pula penuh drama-drama yang sebenarnya episode lanjutan dari season yang sudah lalu. He-he. Hingga akhirnya di tahun ganjil satu ini juga, aku memutuskan untuk menyudahi drama yang kemudian menyadarkanku, bahwa ternyata dunia itu lebih luas dari sekedar 'ruang TV' tempat aku mengurung diri selama beberapa tahun silam.

Dua ribu lima belas membawa banyak perubahan, selain lulus dari masa yang katanya paling indah alias SMA, lalu melangkah ke jenjang yang lebih tinggi. Tahun ini juga berhasil memaksaku untuk jadi dewasa, dan belajar menelan konsekuensi dari keputusan yang aku bulatkan sendiri. 

But at least that I knew, all of those crrrazy bad things can stay in 2015, and I can get a fresh new start in 2016. Then in the very last month of 2015, I flew to India, the country of paradox, they say. I wouldn't lie, the main reason that I packed my things to travel there is for a soul-searching journey. I was too busy questioning myself, what am I looking for in India? What has 2015 taught me and what part of me that I should change in 2016? What kind of answers that I need to bring back to Jakarta? What's this what's that how's this how's that.. 

To be frankly honest, I didn't find any. Well yeah, you can say I have noted some things, I have gained some new perspectives, I definitely have earned a bunch of great stories and experiences, but I didn't really find what I was looking for. I didn't really find the serenity that I've been longing, I didn't find the cure to the wound that 2015 left me. I can't expect that having myself thousand miles away from the city that keeps resurrecting the old memories will automatically, magically, remove all the wounds or just like, voila, I'm all fine. 

That''s what I kinda learn. People tend to run away from their wound, they choose to flight, they choose to forget the cut that slit their skin open and pick out the nearest bandage possible to cover the wound. How do you expect that wound to recover completely? You're not even trying your best, you decided to put a bandage on a wound that keeps bleeding, it's the same as having Placebos to cure cancer. It's not doing a thing, literally. 

That, again, is what I learned. I made a mistake, I chose to flight, instead to fight. Aku memilih untuk pura-pura amnesia, mengabaikan darah yang masih mengalir, pura-pura sehat, dan jalan-jalan kesana kemari. Uh, salah, banget, kan? Denial will only make it worse. Acceptance is the key. As a best friend of mine told me, happiness is a state of mind. Hell, even if I'm traveling to outer space, semuanya nol besar kalau yang di kepala sama yang di hati belum beres. 

Serenity and peace that I wish I'd have back from India, datangnya ya bukan dari India. Akan tetapi, harus datang dari diri aku sendiri, yang dimulai pertama-tama dari mengangkat plester boongan yang nempel di luka, berani menerima kenyataan kalau luka itu memang masih ada, masih dalam, dan masih berdarah. And the only way to get rid of it yaaa.., nerimo. Tarik nafas panjang, karena kena air sedikit pasti masih sakit, namun memang harus dibersihkan dengan air, atau alkohol. Soalnya hampir membusuk, dibiarkan terlalu lama. Tidak akan mudah, tapi paling tidak, memahami betul bagaimana cara menangani luka ini adalah tahap pertama untuk menyembuhkannya. 

Maka,

mari bersulang untuk luka yang belum kunjung sembuh,

mari bersulang untuk luka yang lama diacuh,

mari bersulang untuk luka yang mungkin semu.

2016.