A Quest: Puzzling the Heartbreak

This will be another encouragement letter shouting out to you, all of you with those eye bags you cannot get rid of due to the endless crying, asking to yourself,

 "Did I make a wrong decision?"
"Did I just make a mistake?"
"Should I text/call him?" --DON'T. 

Writing this one is also a challenge for me, well, no. Not the writing, but the publishing. But then I think to myself 'what a selfish girl' if I keep this thought zipped forever in my journal. 

So here's,
to you.

Who had just recently broke up, victims of hit and run kind of love, and the feeling of devastation is inevitable. I welcome you to my #breakupsurvivalkit, my thoughts during the apocalypse--at least that's how the world felt to me at that time.

----------

Chin up, you little lost sleepless souls. This is not the end of the world. 

Repeat after me,

"this is not the end of the world."

Trust me, I've been there. Long, long time ago.
You know what, I'm not gonna tell you shit to let go, move on, and start again.
I'm not gonna remind you how precious you are and how you cannot let one prick ruins your life.
I'm not gonna ask you to get up that sad ass off the couch. 

Why, you ask?

Because I know. Because I have been there.
Because I have no idea about the morning texts he used to send you paragraphs every morning, because I have no clue about how you used to spend lazy Sundays with him, because I do not know the way he held your hand in a crowded place,
so I have no rights to tell you shit to let go, move on, and start again.

Although yes, I will still remind you how precious you are and how you cannot let one prick ruins your life, eventually.

But I will invite you to a quest, a searching of your missing puzzle pieces.
Breaking up with someone is never easy. But it will be worth it, especially if you believe that 'everything happens for a reason.'

The first two weeks will drive you crazy. 

I know you lost your appetite, because even pizza reminds you of how he used to take you out on Saturday nights to the nearest pizza restaurant.

I know your eyes get all blurry while reading a book, because even your favorite thing to do in this whole world reminds you of how books connected his and your interest.

I know you can't sleep at night, that, reminds me of one phase where I cannot sleep because my thought is fully awake. 

Yet the next morning I woke up with a dying soul, wishing to stay longer in my sleep where I was finally able to forget all the pain.

fase tidur dengan pikiran terbangun dan bangun dengan semangat yang tertidur.

I know you stare too long at your smartphone, the hunger of waiting for a text that will never ever come (you do know that he's not going to text you, don't you?)

Stop wanting to hear the juiciest update about him, stop scrolling down your screen and 'accidentally' stopped by on his Instagram feed.

However, (preferably) sooner or later, you'll find those missing puzzle pieces that you've been looking for, but you never found one. 

You'll find the first piece slipped in your pink sofa, —that's your confidence.
Another piece found inside your most worn pair of jeans' left pocket, —that's your bravery.

Found another again inside your black laptop case, —that one is your curiosity and creativity.

You haven't find it all, indeed. 

Yet with that glimpse of faith you hold and as your eyes started to open, the next days of yours will be full of stumbling upon the missing puzzle pieces. 

To your surprise, you'll find them in places you never thought, because back then you were too blinded to see clearly.

Remember this, why would you waste your precious day to grieve over somebody? Well, I never forbid myself to grieve, it's a part of human nature to overcome a trauma, but I do not let it consume me.

Allow yourself to grieve, but don't let it consume you.

In the end, throw away all your negativity. Grow up, princess. Put relationship to the very bottom of your priority list. Accept that he's a past, a past that you can't take back.

Have anyone told you that you're very brave to finally put this damaging relationship to an end? Why why what a super girl.You finally realized that you're too good to be a sidekick, I knew it! Now, focus on finding those missing puzzle pieces. Every piece you collect will help you to improve becoming a better woman. An intelligent, open-minded, brave, leading, cheerful, respectful, beautiful woman like you've always dreamed of.

Oh, look. Another piece, —that's your adorable smile, found lying exactly next to your favorite perfume. How can you never see it there?

Dear dear, enjoy the searching until you find your very last missing puzzle piece. I would say, the quest will be over only if you have found these three puzzle pieces in order: forgiveness, acceptance, and happiness.

The quest; it's all phases to happiness. Find your own calling, avoid the things that make you sad. Don't be angry all the time. Forgiveness is the key to let go, acceptance is the key to move on. Then, happiness will follow.

Anyway why wouldn't you, instead, use the energy to find another missing puzzle pieces?

Cheers,
to the afterthoughts of a post heartbreak.
P.S: good luck finding the puzzles!

Tanda Tanya


Tanda tanya,
kepada manusia yang mengagung-agungkan agama,
namun bukan pada Tuhannya.

Tanda tanya,
kepada keturunan Adam yang mengatasnamakan agama dalam segala aksi
-- "atas nama Tuhan", 
padahal tengah menguliti daging saudaranya sendiri.

Tanda tanya,
kepada hewan berakal yang melaknat perbedaan sesama,
karena berlainan konsep surga.

Tanda tanya,
kepada bentuk akhir seekor kera yang bersujud pada agama
oleh apa yang sesungguhnya ia telah capai dan gapai.

Tanda tanya,
kepada homo sapiens yang mengelukan kesucian dengan lencana agama tersemat bangga di dada kiri,
padahal siang tadi menerobos lampu merah sambil mencerca nama binatang.

Tanda tanya,
kepada saudara-saudari yang tidak lagi berbicara karena terbatasi garis tipis yang dibata,
katanya beda agama.

Tanda tanya,
kepada jiwa-jiwa yang mengiyakan apa yang belum diiyakan dengan batin.

Tanda tanya, 
kepada seorang gadis yang terjaga mempertanyakan kemurnian agama-agama yang menjadi bau dinodai nafsu bengis manusia.

Tanda tanya,
kepada apa-apa yang sedang dipertanyakan,
yang katanya hanya butuh dipercaya.



——


tertulis tiga april duaribu enambelas.

silakan dipertanyakan.

Tuhan tidak pernah melarang hamba-Nya untuk bertanya.

Tuhan Yang Maha Besar tidak akan pernah takut oleh pemikiran hamba-Nya.

Sudah?

Sudah baik baik saja.
Coba bersyukur.
Lihat sejauh apa kamu sudah berjalan tanpa alas kaki.
Coba lihat ke belakang,
Sudah cukup jauh kan?
Sudah hampir tidak terlihat kan?
Coba lihat ke depan,
Sudah cukup dekat kan?
Sudah hampir terlihat kan?

Kalau melangkah balik arah
Juga sudah jauh
Dan dua kali
Buang tenaga

Maju lagi
Jadi susah

Jangan.

Terus saja
Angkat kepala
Langkah maju.

(*)

Be, be, be!


I know that some girls are very pretty some girls THINK they are just okay.

But it doesn't matter, find someone who would make you feel the prettiest.

And on top of that, you don't need anyone to tell you that you're pretty, you just need yourself to believe more in the beauty of the heart that glows inside and out.

So, be that free, be beautiful, the way you’re living your life is exactly the way it needs to be lived. And if only you’re living it, truly, and consciously the way you want to. 

Saksi dan Janji


Di depan saksi ombak yang menghampiri batuan dengan penuh gairah ini aku berikrar,

Bahagiaku
Dukaku
Laraku
Banggaku

Hanya boleh karena aku

Bukan karena dia yang menginjak harga dirimu
Bukan karena mereka yang mengendus kelemahanmu
Bukan karena bayangan yang menghalangimu

Malam ini aku berikrar

Kamu mampu hidup sendiri

Bahagiamu tidak bukan pernah karena,

Dan tapi

Hanya karena aku


Seorang.

----------

ditulis dan tertulis Oktober 2014.

Sanggahan

Orang-orang berlalu lalang 
Terburu-buru bukan main
Aku tidak mau terburu-buru
Tenang saja, aku masih di sini.

membiarkanmu mengintip pelan tentang aku yang tidak mereka ketahui,
aku melepasmu bebas mengetahui tentang aku yang tidak orang-orang pahami,
bicara tentang rahasia.

Memafhumi tiap dari ketakutanku,
Mengendus pekat inci-inci dari mimpiku,
Mengindrakan satu per satu dari keraguanku.

Aku mungkin dewasa,
tapi aku rindu rasanya mengalah.
Maka dari itu, aku minta maaf.
Aku belum dewasa.

Kita seimbang rupanya,
sama-sama belum dewasa.

Sumpah, aku benci kata menyerah.
Sungguh, aku lelah dengan terserah.
Sumpah, aku gerah berpura-pura.
Sungguh, aku lara merasa tidak cukup baik untukmu.

Merindukanmu adalah sebuah anugerah,
namun aku kehausan kemudian tewas tak berdaya di rerumputan
"Aku rindu masa lalu"
hal paling hina untuk dibahasakan,
harusnya masa lalu dibinasakan
simpan saja jadi kenangan

Akan tetapi, 
ya
aku rindu masa lalu.

Mencintaimu adalah sebuah kemudahan,
namun untuk bertahan aku sudah belasan kali mati di tengah jalan
aku sering bermimpi
satu hari di mana bumi masih berputar
orang-orang marah masih saling menampar
ada kamu di sampingku
siang itu murni terisi dengan cinta
tidak ada dendam,
air mata kecurigaan,
atau kemarahan yang dipendam.

Demi apapun yang berkuasa,
aku mencintaimu,
aku merindukanmu, 
aku membencimu. Bukan main.

Demi apapun yang berkuasa.

------------------

Good God, kenapa yang ini gelap sekali, ya? Bahkan beberapa part terpaksa saya hapus karena terlalu suram. :/

Oh, yang ini ditulis dan tertulis Agustus 2014.

Dan

Dan pada akhirnya
Aku tidak pernah percaya akan cinta

Dan pada akhirnya
Kertas-kertas yang ditulisi pena yang terukir kata-kata manis akan terbuang juga

Dan pada akhirnya
Bergabung dengan kumpulan rongsokan tulang ikan colongan si pus

Dan pada akhirnya
Cinta hadir hanya untuk dikhianati

Dan pada akhirnya
Tidak pernah ada kisah cinta semanis kisah khayangan

Dan pada akhirnya
Angin

Dan pada akhirnya
Tidak ada yang benar-benar peduli 

Dan pada akhirnya
Kamu sama busuknya dengan orang lain

Dan pada akhirnya
Semua manusia sama busuknya

Dan pada akhirnya
Begitu juga aku yang bau bangkai

Dan pada akhirnya
Tidak pernah ada senyum yang nyata jika kita bicara cinta

Dan pada akhirnya
Satu-satunya orang yang mati terbunuh membelaku adalah


aku.

Juni 2014

Izin

Selain beres-beres diri yang berantakan, hehe, tahun baru juga identik dengan beres-beresin folder dan file, entah di laptop atau handphone. Kemudian, I surprisingly stumbled upon some of my puisi atau coretan ringan yang.. sayang kalau cuma disimpan.

Kemudian, saya memutuskan untuk menaruh those depression letters, I would say, di blog ini. Most of them are written two or three years ago. Ada lebih dari satu, dua, atau bahkan tiga..,

maka, permisi!

The Urge


Jakarta, Ibu Kota kesayangan yang rumitnya bikin candu.

 Aku pulang.

 (*)

The Beginning, The Wound, (and the late night thoughts).


Writing a new year post in the beginning of the February will not be considered too late, right? ;)

Well no, this won't be that typical new year post, I hope. 

As some of you may know that I spent the whole January in the magical unbelievable India, the country that kept me awake every single night (a lie, as a matter of fact I slept soundly almost every night). I didn't have much time -- or I just decided not to spare my time to write there. But as always, I have my thoughts written inside my black journal that some of I might share here, to leave my perplexed thoughts scattered, yet captured.


Now please, if you excuse me, 

2 0 1 5.

Chaotic. Dua ribu lima belas, kalau ada penghargaan yang menobatkan pemenangnya menjadi tahun paling chaos, aku persilakan dua ribu lima belas maju ke depan panggung dan menggandeng pulang pialanya. 

Dramatic. Dua ribu lima belas, seperti tahun-tahun sebelumnya, pula penuh drama-drama yang sebenarnya episode lanjutan dari season yang sudah lalu. He-he. Hingga akhirnya di tahun ganjil satu ini juga, aku memutuskan untuk menyudahi drama yang kemudian menyadarkanku, bahwa ternyata dunia itu lebih luas dari sekedar 'ruang TV' tempat aku mengurung diri selama beberapa tahun silam.

Dua ribu lima belas membawa banyak perubahan, selain lulus dari masa yang katanya paling indah alias SMA, lalu melangkah ke jenjang yang lebih tinggi. Tahun ini juga berhasil memaksaku untuk jadi dewasa, dan belajar menelan konsekuensi dari keputusan yang aku bulatkan sendiri. 

But at least that I knew, all of those crrrazy bad things can stay in 2015, and I can get a fresh new start in 2016. Then in the very last month of 2015, I flew to India, the country of paradox, they say. I wouldn't lie, the main reason that I packed my things to travel there is for a soul-searching journey. I was too busy questioning myself, what am I looking for in India? What has 2015 taught me and what part of me that I should change in 2016? What kind of answers that I need to bring back to Jakarta? What's this what's that how's this how's that.. 

To be frankly honest, I didn't find any. Well yeah, you can say I have noted some things, I have gained some new perspectives, I definitely have earned a bunch of great stories and experiences, but I didn't really find what I was looking for. I didn't really find the serenity that I've been longing, I didn't find the cure to the wound that 2015 left me. I can't expect that having myself thousand miles away from the city that keeps resurrecting the old memories will automatically, magically, remove all the wounds or just like, voila, I'm all fine. 

That''s what I kinda learn. People tend to run away from their wound, they choose to flight, they choose to forget the cut that slit their skin open and pick out the nearest bandage possible to cover the wound. How do you expect that wound to recover completely? You're not even trying your best, you decided to put a bandage on a wound that keeps bleeding, it's the same as having Placebos to cure cancer. It's not doing a thing, literally. 

That, again, is what I learned. I made a mistake, I chose to flight, instead to fight. Aku memilih untuk pura-pura amnesia, mengabaikan darah yang masih mengalir, pura-pura sehat, dan jalan-jalan kesana kemari. Uh, salah, banget, kan? Denial will only make it worse. Acceptance is the key. As a best friend of mine told me, happiness is a state of mind. Hell, even if I'm traveling to outer space, semuanya nol besar kalau yang di kepala sama yang di hati belum beres. 

Serenity and peace that I wish I'd have back from India, datangnya ya bukan dari India. Akan tetapi, harus datang dari diri aku sendiri, yang dimulai pertama-tama dari mengangkat plester boongan yang nempel di luka, berani menerima kenyataan kalau luka itu memang masih ada, masih dalam, dan masih berdarah. And the only way to get rid of it yaaa.., nerimo. Tarik nafas panjang, karena kena air sedikit pasti masih sakit, namun memang harus dibersihkan dengan air, atau alkohol. Soalnya hampir membusuk, dibiarkan terlalu lama. Tidak akan mudah, tapi paling tidak, memahami betul bagaimana cara menangani luka ini adalah tahap pertama untuk menyembuhkannya. 

Maka,

mari bersulang untuk luka yang belum kunjung sembuh,

mari bersulang untuk luka yang lama diacuh,

mari bersulang untuk luka yang mungkin semu.

2016.

The Letter to Anyone and Yourself.


This letter goes to anyone who's been thinking that they're alone, broken-hearted, depressed, and feeling like no one's picking up the phone when you need them the most.

This letter goes to anyone who find curling up in bed drowning in sadness of nostalgia is better than actually breathing the fresh air outside the room.

This letter goes to you, who stumbled upon this writing. This isn't a coincidence, that's universe giving you a hint to wake up and move on, to let yourself go from anything that makes you miserable.

Hi there, I know you're in a really deep cut, I know you've been feeling small, I know you thought you're no longer friends with 'hope', I know you're close to giving up, I know you're about to accept that you'll bring sadness to your way of living.

I've been there, I have once thought that maybe, this sadness of mine won't ever go away and I almost let myself to accept 'sadness' in a wrong way. I thought, maybe it's better for me to live with this scar than having the must to remove it.

But then, out of the desperation notes and letters that's piling up on my desk, a thing or a two crossed my mind. Letting sadness to be within you, is not accepting. It's because you're weak, you're not brave enough to leave what made your eyes tear and your cuts bleed behind, to throw the thoughts in your head that rip you apart. Darling, you're killing your mental slowly.

You're lack of your self-worth awareness. You're too busy figuring out how to move on from anything that's been haunting you, you're too busy hiding from anything that's been chasing you, you're too busy fighting from anything that's been hassling you. Then you feel tired, you feel hopeless, that's nearly the point where you thought maybe you'll just have to accept that you'll never move on. And the only choice you have is to live with those demons in your head.

Meanwhile.. the very first thing to step out of the sadness and the insecurities is to love yourself. Don't push yourself too hard, don't need to buy a How To book. You just need to love yourself more. I know it sounds cliche, but there's a reason why people write about the importance of loving yourself all the time.

Because, it is actually the answer to every alone, broken-hearted, depressed souls' been questioning.

Here, dear You.

Date yourself. I know you've reached the point where the idea of being alone enjoying the grief is better than anything. But until when will you let yourself being overwhelmed by the past, singing to the lyrics of those so related sad songs and stop yourself from being 'you'?

Sweetheart,

say 'Hi' to yourself, when was the last time you had your own quality time with yourself? Quite a time ago, I suppose? Go, it's your reconciliation time with yourself, have a cup of chamomile tea with yourself,  talk about yourself as long, as much as you want, yourself won't get bored anyway.

Date yourself, make love to yourself, send good night texts to yourself, praise yourself, send yourself flowers, send yourself your favorite chocolate, because the only one who can treat you the way exactly you want to be treated is yourself. Be selfish, be un-selfless for a while.

You, you're young, you're bright, you're beautiful, every inch of you is perfect just the way it is.
You, you're about to walk on sunshine, and don't let anyone get in your way. Don't.

You, I know you're feeling lonely, but then, it isn't that bad to be alone. Solitude is a bless, they say. No, being alone isn't that pathetic. Because in the end, no one will be there for you, but you. Everyone's eventually busy with themselves.

And it's good knowing that you're always gonna be there for you, no one else, just you.

Once you get to know yourself, you'll slowly see the real potential in yourself. You won't be feeling that lonely anymore. Because again, it's such a bless knowing that someone will always be there for you, which is yourself.

Get to know yourself better, have a deep conversation with yourself, oh for Goodness' sake, do you even remember your favorite color? Do you even remember those little things that make you happy, like the smell of your Grandma's freshly baked cookies?

The moment you start to admire yourself, write yourself a love letter. Or love letters. Be in love with yourself, no one will be jealous. Instead, you HAVE to be in love with yourself. That matters.

And next time you're feeling lost, just remember, you can always count on someone, which you called, Yourself.

I promise you, you will always be your home, your comfort zone, your source of warmth. You don't need to find those in anyone else, because you'll always have you.

Now please, acquaint yourself. Take a look in the mirror, --whoa, look at those eyes of yours. They glow universe, stare yourself deeply, swim into it.

You'll find a pure soul, a soul that won't hurt you no matter what,

Yourself. Have a moment with yourself.

Cheers,

an encouragement from myself to I,

for you and yourself.

Ibu, Aku Pamit ke Jakarta

Ibu, aku pamit ke Jakarta..
Surat ini kutulis dengan air mata yang tak berhenti mengalir deras, bu..
Pena pun tak kuasa aku pegang dengan benar tatkala jemariku bergetar tidak karuan..
Maaf ya, bu, kalau tulisannya susah dibaca.. Manapula beberapa kata luntur terkena tetes air mata..

Ibu, badanku menggigil bukan main sembari merangkai kata-kata di surat ini
Anyaman bambu dinding rumah kita mulai menipis dan bolong-bolong ya, bu..
Sedih lihatnya.. Aku tidak mengeluh, bu, tapi aku kasihan sama si Bungsu..

Si Indri, bu.
Di sampingku ia terlelap pulas,
Aih.. Cantiknya adikku yang satu ini, kulitnya kuning langsat, berkilau kalau kena sinar matahari.
Ibu, pesanku, Indri jangan sampai putus sekolah.
Suatu sore waktu Pak RT bagi-bagi mangga, aku mendengar cerita-cerita Indri tentang impiannya..

“Aku ingin jadi dokter, mbak.
Biarin aja kata orang mimpiku ketinggian, ibunya cuma buruh cuci, eh, kepengen jadi dokter.. Katanya nggak mungkin, mbak.”
Sembari mengupas mangga, Indri menuangkan keraguannya padaku, Bu..

Kemudian, aku yang bingung hanya mampu menjawab,
“Mungkin, Indri. Celotehan orang lain nggak usah didengar, yang penting kamu rajin belajar.
Kalau Indri punya kemauan, pasti ada jalan..”

Ibu, aku pamit ke Jakarta..
Izinkan aku mengadu nasib,
Restui aku mengubah nasib,
Maaf ya, bu, kalau hanya meninggalkan surat ini.. menulis di secarik kertas saja sudah terkuras air mataku tak keruan, bu..
Gimana kalau harus berpamitan sambil menatap mata Ibu yang sayu?

Ibu, aku pinjam dulu koper yang dulu Ibu gunakan untuk berangkat ke Negeri Jiran..
Koper yang ibu simpan di dekat kandang ayam yang isinya malah sarang laba-laba,
Ibu bilang benci lihat koper ini,
“Ibumu jadi ingat saat-saat diperlakukan seperti hewan. Simpen koper ini di belakang, nduk.”

Puji Syukur ya, Ibu..
Ibu bisa membebaskan diri dari jeratan dan rentetan siksaan majikan Ibu..
Aku masih ingat saat menjemput Ibu di Terminal Rajekwesi dua tahun silam,
Bisa menyentuh Ibu lagi, walaupun banyak bekas luka dan lebam di seluruh tubuh Ibu waktu itu…

Ibu, aku pamit ke Jakarta..
Entah makan apa,
Entah tidur di mana,
Entah pakai baju apa..

tapi aku mohon Ibu jangan khawatir, ya..
Bilang pada Indri aku pasti kembali,
Ibu juga, harus yakin bahwa aku kembali..

Ibu, aku pamit ke Jakarta. (*)
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